Me: Hey, I like your shirt.
Them: Thanks, I got it for seventy dollars at a department store.
Me: Really? Because for seventy dollars at Burlington, I got the same shirt, three lamps, cashmere underwear, a golden retriever and two puerto rican children
police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!
me: not with that attitude
radiobread2: GUYS I GOT PULLED OVER TONIGHT BY A COP AND HE SAID I WAS RECKLESSLY DRIVING BUT REALLY IM JUST A BAD DRIVER AND I WAS LIKE IM SORRY IM ON MY WAY HOME FROM WORK AND HE’S LIKE OH WHERE DO YOU WORK AND I SAID CHICK FIL A AND HE WENT OFF ABOUT HOW GOOD OUR CHICKEN IS AND LET ME OFF WITH A WARNING BLESSED BE THE CHICKEN
butasparrow: touchmypopsicle: it’s kinda funny how when you get older you start to enjoy the things you hated as a kid like taking naps and getting spanked the second one was kind of unexpected but no one is disagreeing
half-sac: when you sat in a weird position for a long time and you move and then your foot feels like this most accurate description of anything accurate ever in the history of accuracy
perfunctory: it’s so cute when you talk to someone a lot and then you notice the little phrases that you use and the stupid little things you say slipping into their vocabulary more and more
Phone: “please connect the charger”
laugh-addict: that’s right, beg for it my little bitch. via laugh-addict
jacoblasher: To my new followers… To my old followers… To those who unfollowed me… To those who looked at my blog and decided not to follow… To those who will look at my blog after seeing this… my second time posting this but i got so many new followers This never gets old the best post on tumblr okay
ifyoucarryonthisway: i hate when girls use those shitty insults like “you cant spell cunt without u (:” ok well theres a lot of things you cant spell without u you cant spell soup without u what does that mean am i soup